Sunday, October 14, 2007


A wet fall seems to be an invitation for spiders to come out of hiding and set up housekeeping out in the open. My front porch must have the perfect feng shui for spider webs. This fall there have been DOZENS of them, and no spider web is complete without a spider. No Itsy Bitsy Spiders for me, either. Oh, no, mine are all super sized.

Let me tell you everything you need to know about spiders: they are arachnids (so they have 8 creepy legs instead of the 6 creepy legs an insect has). Because their legs are so long, it's difficult for an exterminator to kill them. Their bodies don't drag through the poisons so they aren't as susceptible to them. Still, a good, direct squirt of Adam's Flea & Tick mist to the body can yield instant results. If, as in the case of the story that follows, you're in direct contact with one of these creatures, enough force applied to the spider with a shoe (on or off the foot) will render him or her lifeless as well.

If you're one of those people who think the spider is such a wonderful, necessary part of nature, just try putting yourself in my shoes on that sunny day a few years ago that I'm about to share. If you'd have reacted differently, God bless you. If you think I'm a monster, I hope you'll just pray that the spiders and I learn to co-exist peacefully.


Well, it was an eventful night tonight. I wanted to get the opinions from some of my dog show friends about the puppies. They're 8 weeks old now, and you can tell something about their conformation. It's always good to get the evaluations of others so you don't fall victim to kennel blindness (just like every mom thinks her infant is the most beautiful baby ever born - clearly not all of them are right).

Drew was assisting me. He's a good kid, and I'm grateful to have his help. Sometimes we're like a Laurel and Hardy movie, but we usually get the job done. So, I've set things up to my satisfaction. Drew can't move around much because the video camera battery is dead so he's plugged into an outlet. We're all situated so it shouldn't matter, right?

I get the first puppy, I am about to set the puppy down on the table as I sit on a stool. I notice something that seems to fall out of the sky onto my left bosom. Hmmm. I just adjust my gaze without ever moving my head or the puppy. HOLY COW!!! OMG!!! EEEEEccccccccckkkk!!!!

It was an enormous, I mean HUGE not to mention COLOSSAL big gigantic SPIDER on my chest. How big was it, you want to know? I'd say it was at least a C cup as it nearly covered my whole, well, you know.

I had Drew hustle over with the manual to the video camera (no, I didn't think there was a trouble shooting section to cover this situation), and just as I was about to flick it off, it jumped down to my pants leg, then on to the bare, naked flesh of my calf, and then Thank our dear Lord, onto the ground.

And let me just tell you, it wasn't any smaller when it was off me than it was when I was up close and personal with its nasty hairy self, either. Drew said I couldn't let it get away, and so I removed my very heavy soled, very cheap shoe from Walmart and I smashed it!!! That'll show IT not to mess with a Texas girl. Then the ants came to consume what was left over, and I proceeded with the video. The show must go on after all.

I am so grateful I won't have to have another tetanus shot or wound care in an area I'd rather not expose to just anyone. You have to know someone would want a picture "for the medical record" and the next thing you know my spider bitten boob would've been all over the Internet.

No, Drew's not cut out for work on documentaries. He didn't get any of it on film. That's a good thing, though, since a close up of that spider would naturally give grown men and small children nightmares for the rest of their natural lives. Thank goodness I'm made of sterner stuff than that. I didn't even pee my pants, and don't think I'm not proud of that. It's always nice to know you can control your bodily functions in a crisis situation.

No comments: